Through the Iris
by trilliumgt
Summary: During Episodes 310 and 342, friendships and relationships strain between Ichigo, Rukia, Inoue and Renji as they try to cope with the ever changing world around them.  Will love survive, or will duty destroy what could have been?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: My first Bleach fic. This will be relatively short. No more than three chapters and possibly a sequel depending if it gets enough reviews.

This takes place after episode 311 so there will be spoilers if you haven't seen it yet.

Drama/romance. No action.

Anyways, hope you guys like this, thanks much!

Chapter 1-Over My Head

And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last

I'm losing you and it's effortless

* * *

><p><p>

Eight days and he still sleeps. Everyone worries over him like a newborn babe fighting a fever. Inoue hasn't left his side but to use the bathroom. Chad and Ishida leave only for a few hours day. Friends come and visit. They treat it as a sick room: whisper and step lightly. Never laugh or smile. It's disgusting and I will not be a part of it.

I train. I push myself beyond my limits till there is nothing left and I collapse to my knees. My brother looks on, staring down at me as if he understands and perhaps he does but I do not wish to hear it. I am not some weak female that needs pity. This isn't the first time I have had to wait. I have gotten very good at it. Better than most I would say.

Using my sword as I crutch I regain my footing and then whip it out before me to restart our battle but Byakuya turns his back on me. "We are done."

Shocked by his denial, I call after him, "Nii-sama." yet he does not return.

Rages tightens my lips. Not only have we trained for the past five days and I have still been unable to injury him even once, but now he refuses the only outlet I have from this atrocious waiting. My legs give out and my fists drop to the ground, my sword falls forgotten to the dirt beside me.

I hate this. I hate everything that's happened. I hate that I can't help Ichigo at all. That I can't even stand beside him anymore. I run and I run to keep up with him and he laps me. Waves at me as he goes on by. He's at the finish line while I have a hundred more rounds to go. And the worst part is, at that finish line, there isn't a celebration or a rest, there is a monster trying to destroy the world and he is the only one there able to kill it. Now with all of that training, and everything that he has gone through, he has to go all the way back to start. He's going to be normal again.

I pound the ground again and again. I hate it. I hate it all. It's all my fault. I should have never given him my powers and I wish I never met him to begin with.

When my rages finally ebb and my tears slowly all soak into my kimono, I lean back upon my legs, ashamed I allowed myself this moment of despair. It is then I see feet before me.

With wide fearful eyes I lift my gaze up to find Renji staring down at me. He wears no smile as he holds out a large hand for me. "Renji." Not knowing what else to do and still feeling so much guilt, I put my hand in his. I bow my head and stand before him.

Shock rocks me when his arms wrap around me. I'm tight and tense but more surprised then anything. There once was a time where I would have given anything to be held by him long ago when we were younger. Yet I appreciate it, what he's trying to do. My hands grip his shirt and momentarily I pretend it's Ichigo, but I stop myself because I don't want to make myself feel worse. I don't allow anymore tears to fall though the pain still squeezes my eyes and makes my lips tighten.

"He will wake soon." He reassures.

"I know." I force out strong. I'm weak enough. I don't want to sound it.

"He will be normal then."

I swallow. "I know."

"Things then can go back to normal."

Normal. Is that what things will be? From the side, I look out onto the land. Will Soul Society ever be normal again? Three of our Captains betrayed us. One became so powerful he threatened the entire populous of both realms: Soul Society and the Human World. In our desperation we put aside our traditions and our old-blood faiths to place our hopes in a human boy who surpassed all bounds, possessing no rank or noble blood, to defeat our enemy.

But normal would be good right? Ichigo could go back to school. He could finish high school. He is _only_ in high school. He is so young yet. He has college and a career still ahead of him. He will have a wife and children. And grandchildren and a whole entire life yet. It's what he deserved since the very beginning. It's what I had stolen from him and now he is going to get a second change.

He is getting a second chance.

A smile shifts on my lips.

"Hai." I whisper. I take a step back and look up to him, "Arigato, Renji." I grin for him and he beams down me, scratching the back of his head.

After a bath, I feel much better. My resolve is stronger than ever now. Ichigo will go back and have a good human life. It's what was suppose to happen to begin with before I ever came into the picture. I'm thankful this has happened. More than anything.

I come into his room. Inoue is knelled beside him and she greets me with the regular, "Kuchiki-san," smiling ever so sweetly. Worry is on her brow as it has been since Ichigo first collapsed in the field.

It was that day I realized what I probably should have realized long ago. Inoue is in love with Ichigo. And I think he saw it then too.

I wonder what he thinks of her. She is beautiful. So adoringly sweet. She has the same type of mentality where saving others is more important then protecting herself. And of course, I can't forget her damned breasts that are ginormous. He definitely has noticed those if nothing else. How many pictures have I taken out of his possession?

She would be a good human partner for him.

The thought comes on the same moment I respond, so my voice falters, "Any change?" I clear my voice as I sit beside her.

She looks at me, silently asking if I'm alright. Inoue shakes her head, "No. He hasn't moved. Urahara-san says he should wake up soon, though."

"Have you eaten today?" I ask her this every time I come in after my bath. Most times she hasn't.

"Oh yes, Yoruichi-san brought me some delicious food. There should be some left." She goes to stand and I stop her shaking my head.

"I'm fine. I've already eaten. Arigato." I lie but she doesn't notice. She relaxes and turns her attention back to Ichigo. She places a rag upon his brow to wipe the sweat from his forehead. It isn't hot, chilly really yet his skin is clammy and red. It's hard to pretend he sleeps peacefully while he looks so ill.

The silence between us is rough. I don't know what makes it so. I hold no grudges against her. She will be with Ichigo for the rest of his human life and I will be a forgotten memory. It's the way it should be. If there is anyone in the human world I would like Ichigo to live happily with it would be her. She would take good care of him. Better care than I am capable of.

What do I know of taking care of a man? Kaien died because of me. Ichigo's human life was destroyed because me.

"Kuchiki-san." Inoue whispers to me. I flip my gaze over to her but she looks down upon Ichigo and refuses to meet mine own. Her hands grip her pant legs, her shoulders are rigid and tight. Anxiety stresses her back which only makes my eyes narrow in question. "Are you going to leave him again?" My gaze bulges and I stumble over myself with confusion. She doesn't lift her eyes and her voice never escalates over a whisper but I can sense her frustration even if I don't understand it. "You stayed in Soul Society after he went through so much to rescue you. Now after everything and how he will lose his powers. Are you going to leave him again?"

Leave him?

I have never left him. He has always been in my thoughts and has always been the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing on my mind when I sleep.

The reason I stayed in Soul Society, not that it is any of her business, had been only to keep Ichigo safe. I thought by staying away it would take Ichigo off of Central 46's radar and he could try and live an ordinary life even with his extraordinary powers.

Ichigo had understood. We both hadn't liked it. The look he had given me. I remember it still. It was then I knew he felt something for me too. But just as I am not stupid now, I wasn't stupid then. Shinigami and humans cannot work out.

As stubborn as I had tried to be, I ended up returning to him at the first sign of trouble out of worry and desperation.

Inoue insults injury me more than I let her see and I turn my face away. One last look down at Ichigo before I get to my feet and I leave the room behind making sure to not slam the door on my way out.

She understands nothing. She is a human and I shouldn't expect her to. I am a Shinigami. I cannot live in the human world and have a human life. It is against the Laws of Seireitei. How couldn't she see that?

Even if I were to fight it, why should I? Ichigo may have feelings for me but he is a child. Human feelings come and go like the wind. Today it's me, tomorrow it's some girl he met on the bus and then the next it's a different one he met in class. He's a teenage boy despite also being one of the most powerful Shinigamis in the whole spiritual realm. He'll get over it. He'll move on. I'll move on.

Inoue. She loves him so well, she cares less how much she just hurt me. She'll be a great wife for him. She'll protect him from selfish people like me.

* * *

><p><p>

Stupid, nasty tears. How many times will I have to see her cry? I remember the first time, it had been because of me.

With the Kuchiki family behind her, having just accepted her into their clan, she had told me with sadness in her gaze and I had given her nothing but false happiness. We had both known what it would mean. We would be separated. Our paths would no longer cross. Our lives would be disentangled. And the one thing we hadn't wanted to talk about yet, would be the fact that I would no longer be suitable marriage material. Of course we hadn't been ready at the time despite the fact that I was saving for a ring. Another year, maybe two and I would take her back to the place where we had first met and ask her that one question down on my knee.

She had walked away from me then with tears in her eyes and as they slipped from her chin, so did our chance of ever being together. I knew it then. I grew colder and so did she. Our relationship crumbled. We didn't talk. We became bitter strangers to one another. For months, years, we forgot we ever knew one another. Until of course, Ichigo awakened the connection we once shared.

For me it was as if no time past at all. Rukia was of course a bit more mature than what she had been but really she was the same girl I had fallen in love with long ago on the streets of Rukongai.

It wasn't the same for her though. The way she looked at Ichigo was the way she use to look at me. It made me hate him so deeply I couldn't kill him fast enough. No matter how much my blade made him bleed it was never enough. I wanted to make him suffer as I had the whole time Rukia had been absent from my life. Yet the more I fought him, Ichigo changed my hatred as he managed to do with everyone else into respect.

Now even if he is my best friend, I'm going to betray him.

People do terrible things for love. Me, Renji, a callous and cool Shinigami, in love. Sounds ridiculous when I think about it.

I hadn't thought I would do this today. I thought about waiting for Ichigo to leave thinking perhaps it would be easier. But the more I thought about it the more I hated waiting. And I really have waited long enough. I have proven myself more than worthy. I have reached Bankai. I have survived multiple battles even if I didn't win them. And I have surpassed more than enough of my superiors. Defeating Captain Kuchiki probably won't happen in this lifetime and as I've already said, I really hate waiting.

It's after dark so I know Captain Kuchiki will be home. I wait outside as one of his servants goes to tell him I'm here. My nervousness wakes Zabimaru and he stirs, checking out the scenery before going back to sleep. I don't wish to explain anything to him right now so I'm glad he doesn't question.

I'm directed into his parlor were Captain Kuchiki is already waiting for me. I kneel bowing, touching my forehead to the floor. "What brings you here, Renji?"

"Kuchiki-taichou," I greet, deciding whether I should lift myself up or not. I've never been this nervous before and again Zabimaru rolls in agitation. What should I say? I haven't prepared a speech. I haven't thought of anything. I never do. I just barrel through everything like a dumbass as Rukia constantly tells me. So without further adieu, I'm just going to say it. "I wish to ask for Rukia's hand." I stumble on the next part, "In, marriage." I spit out roughly. I never thought how stupid it would sound aloud. I've never talked about this with anyone. Never said the words before. Perhaps I should of.

It's silent for a while. A long a while. So long in fact that my nerves get the better of me and I have to lift my head up. Captain Kuchiki looks at me emotionless as always but he's thinking I can see. I know him better than most. He's calculating. Deciding whether I'm worthy or not. I don't think it should take him so long. I'm proven myself so much it's ridiculous. Yet I know I'm foolish even as I'm sitting here. I'm nothing. I have no noble blood in my veins. I was raised a street rat and I will die as one no matter what rank I hold when death greets me.

The only reason I am able to sit here now and ask, the only way that I got this chance in the first place is because of Ichigo. He's changed everything. He's made the impossible possible. He's flipped the ranks and emptied the clans of all of their superficial honor to where ever street rats can actually one day marry a noble woman.

It's irony I guess. That the girl I want to marry, is the same girl that's in love with him.

Go ahead and ask why am I doing this if I know that Rukia is in love with Ichigo. She may not know it. She may deny it all she likes. I've known since I saw her in her human form back in the human world.

The unselfish reason, the one I like to grasp on to, to make myself feel better: is so she won't go after Ichigo. It's a relationship that can never be. A shinigami and human is impossible. It is against all the Laws. Who knows what the court would do? I already had to suffer once with her in jail, rotting away, unable to help the events that unfolded. I couldn't do it again.

Then the selfish reason I like to ignore, is because now, is my only chance. While everything is still messed up because of Ichigo, while people are still celebrating and clans and ranks aren't as important and low lives like me have a chance to be with noble blood like her. I want to grasp it so I don't miss this opportunity like I lost it so many years ago.

And I feel that if I wait until Ichigo leaves, if I wait until he loses his powers, I'll be betraying him worse. I want him to know. While he's capable of fighting me for her. Because I do intend to fight him for her.

"Kuchiki-taichou," I ask after so many minutes have past.

"You will give me a day to discuss this with Rukia."

I feel my cheeks heat up at the idea. Of course she would have to be notified. I had actually wanted to do it myself though. I wanted an answer first. There was no reason going through all the hassle if her family would just object to it anyway.

As cowardly as this may seem, I nod. I would leave it up to him then.

Walking home, I could only chastise myself. How could I leave without an answer? I should have demanded one. Captain Kuchiki likes to pull the strings. Being in charge is what he lives for. And making me suffer and hang off his every word is like a drug to him.

I flip around. I can't let him ask Rukia for me. What kind of man am I?

I ran as fast as I can. Zabimaru is finally annoyed enough to become wide wake asking all sorts of enraged questions. I just ignore him, telling him to shut up and to go back to sleep. It only angers him. I can sense Rukia. She had been in her room earlier but now she is coming closer. Luckily for me, the Kuckiki compounds are the largest in the area. Still, I better not be too late or I'll never hear the end of it. It's not at all how I wanted to propose, damn it. It was suppose to be better than this. Her brother doing it for me because I'm scared. Because I know it's not me she wants to be with. Because I know I'm nothing but the second-place prize. And yet still, it's better than nothing.

I ran through the house ignoring the servants that call after me and squeal when I plow into them. I turn a corner, only to mow right into her. We crash to the floor, embarrassingly. I'm able to catch myself so I don't completely crush her but she bangs her head against the wooden floor and curls, "Owe, damn it." She flips her angry eyes up at me, "Renji!" She bites. With a few smacks on my chest she hollers, "What are you doing here!"

I scramble to get off her, both our cheeks are bright right and I catch her hands to lift her to her feet. I clumsily pat the dust from her clothes and she brushes my hands off her just as awkwardly. "Gomen, Gomen. Has Kuchiki-taichou spoken to you yet?"

"He just summoned me and he'll get annoyed if I'm late. Why?"

Thoughtless, I grab her hand and head toward the back gardens. She struggles against me but my strength will always outweigh hers. She sputters and stumbles then we get out onto the back deck and I finally let go of her hand. Lanterns have been lit around around the gardens and the waterfalls trickle. It's pretty serene and not so bad a location for what I'm about to do.

As I catch her eyes though, all my confidence flies out of me.

Her gaze is wide in waiting but I can see her patience is running thin. I know I need to hurry considering Captain Kuchiki has called on her. I should have just let him do this I realize. I could have been home by now. "Renji?" She forces our, getting nervous under my stare.

"Rukia." I say her name like all the other million times before and yet someone it feels different on my lips and even my stomach can't handle it. The question I want to ask repeats non-stop only to remind me that I don't have the ring on me. I want to smash my head into a brick wall for that stupid mistake. I had no intention of doing this today. Shit, I had no intention of doing it this month let alone this week. It's safely stashed away in my sock drawl, where it's been for the past four months. I had chosen a ring over a pair of new sunglasses, that's a big deal for me.

I take a step toward her and unconsciously she takes a step back. She already has to lean her head back to look up at me, now she tilts her body enabling her to catch my eye. I snatch a hand of hers in mine and they swallow up her fingers like the ocean swallows a fish. She's so small and fragile. I'll always have to be careful not to hurt her. Despite how touch she acts, she's fallible. It's what I love about her.

The whole question gets cut short. Getting down on my knees doesn't even filter. I just spit out, "Marry me."

I'm not a romantic. I'm Shinigami. She'll understand. She's my other half. Such dumb-struck words of love are wasted on her. She'd tell me to shut up half way through and get to the point.

Her mouth drops open like I knew it would. Shock, surprise, emotions I can deal with. I've hid my feelings for a long time. It's easy when you chose the life of a warrior. You train and fight, weapons are like women and women are like bugs. I've been with only a few and every time I was too drunk too remember the aftermath. Luckily Rukia never caught me with a woman. What a horror that would have been.

As it took her brother a moment, it takes her one. And slowly, and as much as I hate it, her shock dwindles, her mouth closes, her eyes tighten and her hand slips from mine as she lowers her head to drop her gaze to the floor. I don't take this as rejection. I know what this is. It's the moment Ichigo comes into her thoughts.

It's hurts just as much though. I allow it. I knew it would come.

"Byakuya-nii-sama? What did he say?"

I swallow to rid it of any emotion lying around. "He wishes to speak to you."

"That's why he summoned me." I nod but she hasn't looked up. "Then I better go. Will you stay?"

I find myself swallowing again. "Hai."

"Okay." And like that she leaves me on the porch.


	2. Goodbye

**Chapter 2- Goodbye**

There's nothing left to say but good-bye.  
>You deserve the chance at the kind of love<br>I'm not sure I'm worthy of – Airsupply

* * *

><p>I am training with my brother again when the call comes. Ichigo is waking. And though my heart thumps wildly in my chest and my body makes a move to run after them I stop myself out of discipline and look to my brother for allowance. He nods his head and I bow.<p>

Forcing so much power into my steps, I'm tired by the time I get there yet I don't show it. I keep my lips together and pant through my nose trying to slow the beating of my heart by deep steady breaths. I chastise myself for being so far away. I should not have conducted my training on the opposite side of the compounds, so very far from him when at any given moment he could wake. I should be there now, like Inoue. Oh, I'm so incredibly stubborn!

Finally I get there and as not to hurt my crumbling pride any, I calmly open the door to Ichigo's room. I notice he's still sleeping and I let a thin line of air out through my lips as I come and take a seat beside Inoue. "Kuchiki-san." Inoue greets in the sweet tone of her usual, as if she hadn't been so callous the last time we spoke. "I don't know how but Unohana-san said that he should be waking within minutes. She seemed to be really sure."

"Unohana-taichou is a gifted healer. I believe in her estimation."

All that is left is to wait. The silence is terrible and if I hadn't had so much practice at it, I would have fallen apart as badly as Inoue is about to. Her body trembles beside me.

Then his eyes shift beneath his lids. My heart thuds loud in my ears. We all lean over him and I've lost myself in worry along with the rest of them. Finally I see his brown eyes again after ten long days of waiting and all the tension and stress dissipates from my body like a tidal wave reseeding from the land.

I explain to him quickly what's happening to him. Like a bandage, I rip it off quickly to ease the pain. And he takes it as well as I knew he would.

He manages to even smile. He's strong for her, for them. Saying he knew the consequences. Perhaps he did but I doubt it. He stands strong and says what they are all waiting for him to say. "Let's go home".

I'm proud of him. That he's able to swallow all of it whole and not for a single moment allow it to effect him in front of them. And they sense nothing. I smile for him. He did good.

The day goes by fast. They fill him in with everything that's been happening. The construction that went on. Aizen's imprisonment. The re-stabilization of Karakura Town. Ichigo asked about Tatsuki and Keigo, his father and his sisters. They were being updated on Ichigo's condition and were waiting for his return in the human world.

Word get out fast that Ichigo is awake and many if not all of the Captains and Lieutenants come to greet him. Some come to pick a fight with him before he loses all of his powers and I had to be the voice of reason. The more he uses his powers now, the sooner he'll lose them. He actually apologized that he couldn't use his remaining abilities for a meaningless scrimmage. I hold myself back from punching him in the face.

My brother comes now with Renji behind him. Renji wears a big grin on his face, his eyes only for Ichigo. "Yo." He hollers across the deck.

"Renji." Ichigo smiles back. Renji makes it a point to ignore me and I'm relieved. I bow my head however to encourage his behavior.

"You done pretending being sick?" I smack my forehead. Why must he provoke him?

"What was that?" Ichigo growls fisting a hand. I'm glad I hid away his sword.

"Got to get all of the attention somehow, huh?" They come at each other and I manage to get caught in between them to try and shove them apart. They are amazingly strong and I'm sure they don't even feel me there.

"Renji, Ichigo." I scream and holler but am promptly ignored through their insults and jests until finally Inoue squeals 'Dinner!' And they shove apart like two obnoxious brothers.

Flustered and muttering curses to myself I'm the last to enter. Everyone has already taken a seat and Ichigo has a lead chair at the head of the table with my brother at the other. He should be honored. My brother's never allowed another man to sit there. A smile twitches at my lips for a moment. Will there ever be a man my brother respects?

Then I realize that the only chair left for me to sit is next to Renji.

All the playful banter and the fuzzy human thoughts are thrown aside and I'm back again into my rightful place. Duty and Shinigami honor.

Renji notices. He doesn't look up at me. He folds his hands before his mouth and stares straight ahead. It's the first time I notice he isn't wearing glasses. He broke them a long time ago, he should have been able to afford new ones by now. It's a stupid thought, one thrown away quick enough when I take my seat, stiff and formal. No one else seems to notice and why should they? Humans and their easy going causal lives. What do they know of duty? What can they possibly understand about anything?

I try and release the tension in my shoulders. I'm making a bigger deal than what it is. So what? We are just sitting next to each other. From the look on the human faces they see nothing but a typical situation of friends sitting side by side. Talking continues as normal. Laughter and giddiness, all from Inoue, who shines like the sun sitting next to Ichigo.

His eyes are on her, lit up by her bright illumination. How can he not be drawn in by her? Every man at this table can't help their attention be enraptured by her as she goes on about the festivities that Ichigo missed out on while he's been resting. She's a beautiful woman to behold, so full of life and energy that any human man would love to have as a wife.

Then suddenly Ichigo's eyes flicker to me and I flash my attention to Inoue with quick haste. It didn't mean anything really. He felt my eyes upon him in that instant is all. I chastise myself. I shouldn't have been looking to begin with.

I rest back against the chair. I allow myself to laugh and smile because who knows when I'll have this chance again. Soon things will be different and my life will be altered forever.

Had I known it would have been with the opening of the doors, I would have enjoyed it better.

Through the doors, dinner comes. Dishes brought in, huge ones, meant as a feast of celebration. And every dish is a sword through my chest because I know exactly what my brother is doing. He plans to tell everyone today. How can I deny him? His little sister is getting married. What isn't there to celebrate?

But why couldn't he give me time? Why couldn't he let me tell everyone in my own damn time? I would have. Probably. Eventually. Maybe.

Ichigo would have never had to know. He could have gone back to the human world without ever having to know. What would be the point in him knowing anyway? He wants to go home. He said so himself. He's ready to leave. He must realize that when he leaves here and when his powers go, he will no longer be able to see me, hear me, talk to me, or touch me, ever.

"This food is delicious, Byakuya-san." Ichigo muffles through a mouth full of food.

I haven't tasted a single bite and with a quick glance at Renji neither has he. I play with question why? Does he believe that Ichigo likes me? Does he feel guilt for this as I do? Then why are we doing this?

Those are naïve questions. It doesn't matter if Ichigo likes me. The fact of the matters is, I love Ichigo. And I want to be with him. And I can't be. So I will chain myself to Seireitei so I cannot leave.

It is unfair to Renji that I use him this way but he knows it. I can see it in his face and in his eyes. With the conversation, or the fight or whatever the hell it was we had last night, I explained and expressed all that I could and he understood it. Is it called using when they know they are being used?

"I have news." My brother begins and my body tenses. I drop my hands in my lap and Renji, as my best friend for over a thousand years, grabs onto it. I squeeze it, thanking him and I know that it will never be enough.

"News?" Inoue excitingly bounces.

"There will be a marriage within our family next month."

My body has never been so tight and my skin has never been so cold. I can feel myself shake and twist. I want to stop it all from coming but I know it isn't possible. I wish I could run and never look back but with Renji's hand I don't move. I will endure this. I owe Ichigo that much.

"Marriage?" Ishida chimes in. "Who?"

"Rukia and Renji."

My eyes don't lift off my uneaten plate. No noise follows. It appears not even Inoue can fake happiness in a moment like this.

Not to my surprise, it's Ichigo who manages to find his voice first. He's able to do so with that smile he gives to his kiddy friends. "Wow. Renji, Rukia. I didn't know. Congratulations." His friends follow him. Yet their sentiments are less convincing then his own.

I don't know why. Does every one think that Ichigo likes me? Why? What has he said or done to show he has any interest in me whatsoever? He rescued me? Only out of a sense of obligation. He rescued Inoue too and no one here contested he is in love with her?

They don't know anything and I don't know how many times I'm going to repeat that. Their conclusions and their judgments are getting downright annoying.

I stand. I can't handle it anymore. I catch Renji's eyes only to apologize to him and then to my brother, bowing my head to excuse myself. His eyes are wide in mock surprise. This is all a test, I know. He wants to know if I feel for Ichigo. He wants to demolish it if I do and reassure himself if I don't.

I dash out having nothing to say to the humans. I don't know where to go because anywhere I go I will be found. I just need a moment to think to myself. I'm making the right decision. I know I am.

"Kuchiki-san." the last person I want to have follow me has taken the initiative. I grit my teeth and fall back against the wall as she rounds the corner. She holds a hand to her amble chest. Her cheeks are red from her sudden haste and her eyes are wide.

"Inoue." I greet.

"Why?"

Her audacity shocks me. "Why?" The falsehood comes easily off my lips, "Because I love him."

"Oh." Her eyes drop. She hadn't been prepared for me to lie and now she is judging whether I am telling the truth or not. Inoue tries to come up with something, "Ichigo..." She trails off when nothing comes.

"He will return to the human world and be a normal human. You, Chad and Ishida will have to be his protectors from now on."

"But. He."

Don't say it. Please. I can't hear it. I stand straight. "Inoue. When he becomes normal, he will no longer be able to see ghosts, let alone Shinigami. He won't even be able to sense them. It's best if we say our goodbyes here."

Her eyes widen, shock and sadness mix together. And though she realizes now a bit of what I'm fighting I don't want her be sad.

You win, Inoue. He's all yours now. This is a good thing. With me out of the picture you can swoop in and pick up the pieces. Be there to make him smile. I want him to be happy so I wish to tell her things I know he likes. Make him drawings, I want to say. He loves my drawings.

I swallow suddenly as tears well up in my eyes.

And when he gets depressed, because he's only human and he will get depressed, don't baby him. Don't hold him or cry for him. Punch him, push him back on his feet, and shove him out the door and tell him to shut up.

I turn my back suddenly and slap a hand on my mouth to stop a sudden sob from escaping my lips.

"We can still visit, right?" She whispers to me.

Tears want to pour from my eyes but I won't let them. I'm not a stupid weak woman. I'm not. I'm a Shinigami and I have been through hell. Ichigo isn't dying. He's just returning to his rightful place. But why, why does it feel like my heart is breaking?

I nod my head even as I run away. Please I wish to whisper. Don't ever come back. Like a band-aid. Just rip it off. Say goodbye, and don't ever come back.

* * *

><p>I return to the table on shaking legs. As stupid as it may seem I hadn't thought about what would happen once Kurosaki lost his powers. I figured things would just go back to normal. But I guess the word normal for me is different than it would be for a typical human. I use it in a context of going to school with Chad, Ishida, and him, waiting for hollows to appear and chasing after them, fighting evil together. In time and with training from all of us, Kurosaki's powers would eventually return and soon enough he would surpass us to our dismay and our happiness.<p>

I never thought-

"Inoue."

Startled, my head snaps up. Kurosaki pokes at his rice, forcing only a small amount in his mouth before he asks, "Is Rukia okay?"

My mouth flutters for a lie, "She, She, isn't feeling well." I drop my head because it isn't a lie at all.

The silence continues as we eat. I force food into my mouth but I no longer taste it. I sneak peaks at Kurosaki beside me, noticing he is doing the same as me. He here's but he's not really here at all.

My brows knit and I drop my chopsticks on my plate and rest my hands in my lap playing with my fingers.

Why doesn't he fight this? It's the same situation as before and again I have to ask the same question. Why doesn't he fight?

After rescuing her from soul Society he didn't fight when she chose to stay. Not one word of disagreement. I didn't understand then and I don't understand this now. Does he want to be pain?

I remember well how much suffering he did after coming home from Soul Society. For months, he would sit in class and stare out the windows, searching for her. The moment a hollow would appear, his eyes would come alive because he knew that there might just be a chance she would show. He would go out on patrols, always wanting to go alone. He deduced she would more likely come to his aid if he were by himself.

Yet she never came. Every day was a another day of heartbreak. He would be disappointed. But Kurosaki wasn't one to give up. He continued on each day as if it didn't hurt him to do so. He'd smile and laugh. He'd act like he was fine. But I wasn't fooled.

I'm not fooled now either.

I had hoped at first it was just a momentary fling and that the more time past, the less he would think of her. And then were times where he would smile at me and it would make my stomach flutter and I would think that just maybe he could come to like me and perhaps maybe love me as much as he loved her.

Had it only been my imagination? Those smiles he gave me? Those looks? Did I take those to mean something more because I wanted them to mean something more?

The negative part of me says yes. The negative part tells me that I'm not his type. Even without Rukia, I didn't stand a chance. He needs someone that can stand beside him, that can match his temper and his wit, that can hold their own in a battle. And I can do none of those.

Now Rukia, the person that _is_made for him, plans to leave him. I don't know her well enough to figure out what's going on. Maybe she does love Renji. They've certainly known each other a long time. It doesn't matter to me really. She's hurting Ichigo and she's making me into a monster because I can't stop all these bad thoughts I have.

I don't know why he won't fight. I don't understand his logic. He doesn't want to burden anyone. He thinks that loving her will hurt her and so he holds himself back. But doesn't he see that not loving her will hurt her too?

If I help him as a friend should, I will lose any chance I have with him. There is always a chance right? He saved me. He came all the way to Hueco Mundo and fought so many to save me. I mean something to him. I know I'm not his type but I love him and I have to try.

It's selfish. But love is a very selfish thing.

I help clean the dishes, simply for something to distract me. I have decided that tonight I will make a last ditch effort to make Kurosaki see I love him. If he turns me down completely then I will do whatever I can to get him and Rukia together. But if there is even the slightest notion that he has any interest in me then I will give Rukia and Renji my congratulations. It will have to be tonight. Tomorrow we return to the human world.


	3. Until I don't love you anymore

Author's note- Thanks for the reviews guys. Decided that I'm just going to continue the sequel inside this one. So this is the end of Part one. Part two will be up in a couple of days.

**Chapter 3- Until I don't Love you Anymore**

I will lie beneath the sky  
>'Til I don't love you anymore- Linda Eder<p>

* * *

><p>To clear my head I walk through the gardens of the Kuchiki compounds but it only makes it worse. My memories return to the times in Hueco Mundo and uncontrollable shivers rake through me. I hold myself watching the waterfalls only seeing the cero going through Kurosaki's body over and over again. I force myself to head back, knowing the only cure for my horrible thoughts is to see his face and to hear his voice.<p>

To my surprise, he's sitting on the steps. I stop just in the shadow of the moon. He's leaned back on his hands, looking up at the stars with his head thrown back. His legs spread, his body relaxed. I wonder what it is he's thinking of.

It's hard to imagine that everything that happened in that dreadful, nightmarish world was real and then to look at him now. This child, teenage boy becoming a monster of a man to defeat those creatures. To kill Ulquiorra.

"Inoue?" My name off his lips makes me shiver and I step closer to him now.

"Just taking a walk, Kurosaki-kun." I answer his silent question. I stop when I am just a few feet from him at the bottom of the steps.

"I was wondering if the stars are the same here as they are in our world. I never looked." I look up too. I hadn't thought about it either.

My thoughts aren't on the stars though no matter how long I stare at them. It's on the battle fought with the emotionless Espada that I couldn't comprehend. Ulquiorra's words effect me constantly and his search for understanding. The way the Espada played with Ichigo's feelings. Wondering as I wondered why he went so far to get me back. They couldn't grasp human friendship.

Friendship. Ichigo's friendship is something to cherish.

"The moon," I whisper. "It's the same as it was in Las Noches." My body tightens upon remembrance. _'Watch__carefully.__The__man__to__whom__you__entrusted__all__your__hope__is__about__to__die.'_

"Is it?" He asks unaware of my own turmoil. "I don't remember the moon."

Along with the never-ending night, the barren wasteland, Kurosaki's dead body and liveless eyes and the hollow that over came his body, the moon is far from my memories. And the Espada that wanted desperately to become a man. I could never forget him either.

"He was one man I wish I hadn't had to fight." I hear him whisper. "The Espada. They all seem," He hesitates to say it but I know what he thinks.

"Like lost children." He catches my eyes. I had met too many not to know. Every single one of them had a sad story behind them and I wonder what life had been like if someone had just taken the time out to care for them. If they had had at least one friend in their life, perhaps things would have gone differently for them. "Ulquiorra was different. He wanted to understand me."

Ichigo grins now and throws his head back up to look at the stars, his leg wobbles in rhythm, "I think he was in love with you or something."

It's a playful remark. One I'm not use to. Perhaps even, if I pretend, I could sense a bit of jealousy in his tone. "He was confused." I reply. Simply because I don't know how to respond to that. "He didn't know why you came so far me. And I couldn't explain it because I didn't know why either."

There is a stiffness in his body now that wasn't there before and the leg that was mindlessly moving stops short. He snaps his head up at me with knitted brows and there is hurt upon his brow. "You're my friend. Of course I'd save you. You think I'd let you die?"

"I let you die." The response tenses in my throat and even as I say it, tears prick on my eyes. He questions softly in confusion. "Ulquiorra shot a cero through your chest. And I was there and I could do nothing to stop it." My body quakes and all the pain that I've withheld since that nightmare of a day releases down my cheeks. I hold my self and I cup my mouth to keep the sobs from escaping my lips. It's so terrible that I'm allowing him to see this pitiful display but there is something that I've needed from him since that atrocious day.

Forgiveness.

It takes so long before his hand reaches out for me. By then I'm ready to collapse. I take it and fall upon the step between his legs, dropping unceremoniously against his chest. For so long I've held myself back from ever touching him because I never wanted to cross any boundaries or lines between us. I never wanted to shame or embarrass myself. But since I plan on having my final say tonight I don't care anymore.

Even as I lay against him crying, I shutter against his touch. He rests his hands upon my shoulders, a place a friend unsure of how to comfort might put. His check is against the top of my head. The smell of him is what I've only caught wisps of. Now I take deep breaths to calm my 'weeping'. The texture of his body so hard and compact but when he relaxes I fit perfectly against him. I love it here.

"Gomen-na, Inoue."

My eyes shoot open wide.

Here I am indulging in this moment of finally being in his arms, and he's suffering over my last words. I've hurt him and I've completely forgotten about it. It's not as if I hadn't meant them but being in his arms, it had just slipped my mind.

I pull away to punish myself, "No, No, Kuroski-kun. It was my fault. I need you to forgive _me._"

"Forgive you?" He questions as if it's absurd.

"I could have done more. I should have trained more. I shouldn't have gone in the first place. I went to protect you and instead you got killed because of me. It was all my fault. I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I just wanted you to be safe."

He doesn't respond at first. The position we are in is awkward and to any on-looker I'm sure we would appear as lovers. I'm weirdly placed between his legs with my elbows resting on his thighs. Considering though that most of the time Kurosaki is nearly two feet taller than me I say we are almost even so my head isn't tilted back in a painful position. His hands have fallen behind him again, holding himself up so he didn't strain his back. It was a nice couple position. If we were actually a couple.

"That's why you left. To save me?"

"Why else?" Would I get a better chance? Keep going, you fool. "I love you, Kurosaki-kun."

The words that had been so utterly hard to say before came out so easy and now I can't believe I had made such a big deal about them. I want to say them again and again and never stop but I want to hear what he has to say.

I'm met again by silence as he takes it in. I don't know what he's think because his eyes are in shadows staring down between us.

It's hard for him to start to speak, "You're one of my best friends-"

"Iie," I cut him off desperately. "Not like that. I love you more than that. More than anything, Kurosaki-kun." My cheeks beam red because I know he can feel the tremble of my body. I must appear so weak right now but I don't care. I said it and I couldn't be happier.

His silence only makes me wish to further my point. What I wanted to do when I had left him before Aizen. To kiss him. I couldn't do it while he had slept because I wanted him to want it too. It wouldn't have been fair otherwise.

My hand lifts, shaking as it is. It rests against his cheek and finally his eyes lift to mine. "I love you." I whisper again because just the sound of it strengthens me. I lean in, not wanting to close my eyes but doing so out of instinct and knowing that our lips are just centimeters away from touching. My breath stops, my heart beats frantically and I wonder if...

...this is the moment where he turns away from me and my whole world is shattered.

Turn me away, Ichigo. You're in love with Rukia. So stop this. Break my heart swiftly and quickly. Just walk away and don't look back as I crumble. Do me that honor. I won't hate you. I can't hate you. I love you too much to hate you. Don't feel sorry for me. I knew a long time ago that Rukia was the one for you. I have been living off foolish dreams. So don't even apologize. Because it's not your fault.

Then our lips touch.

* * *

><p>"Ukitake-taichou, is it necessary?"<p>

"You know him better than any of us, Rukia-san." He speaks with a pleasant smile but somehow I believe my brother has gotten to him.

For the past hundred years of my life my brother hasn't taken any interest in my life but the moment Ichigo comes in he suddenly seems interested in everything. And since I lost Kaien, Ukitake has been smitten with finding someone else to keep my mind occupied.

"As you know, Ukitake-taichou, I plan on getting married shortly."

"Yes, Yes. I apologize for giving you such an important mission in lue of your wedding but I'm afriad you're the only one Ichigo listens too. I have a feeling he'll fight this more than anything else. I know I would, if I was losing my reiatsu."

My eyes drop. Must they use that against me? I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about what pain Ichigo will have to endure. I don't want to know how much suffering he will experience. Not being there had been my intention. A pathetic cop-out.

Now they are forcing me to. I would be lying, though if I said I wasn't thankful.

I bow my head, fighting no more. "As you wish, Ukitake-Taichou."

What will Renji say when I tell him? Will he look at me with eyes of understanding? Or will it be distrustful or even contemptuous? So early in the beginning will he start to resent me for my feelings toward Ichigo?

I know I must go to him first. I owe him so much that hearing it from anyone else is unacceptable. I find him on the training grounds and call him over. He doesn't smile in greeting. Ever since yesterday he has stopped smiling altogether. "They have given me a mission. I will go with Ichigo and watch over him until he loses his reiatsu."

His eyes drop to the ground. I look away. That's not at all what I wanted. I want to know what he's feeling. I want to know if it's anger, if its hatred, if it's sadness. I won't be able to do anything about it but at least then I won't be so disconnected from him.

"Why?" He questions.

"So he doesn't get himself killed."

He shrugs. "Anyone can do it."

He fights it like a child. At least it lets me in on a little of what he's feeling. I strengthen my back. "That is my mission."

He sticks his hand in his pockets and throws his head back with aggravation finally catching my eye, glaring, "How long?"

"I don't know."

"Fine." That is how he leaves me. I stare after him but he doesn't look back. He joins his friends who he smiles for and I can even hear him laugh. I wonder how long it will be until I can make him laugh again.

By the time I get back to my compound Ichigo and the others are ready to head out. There is nothing that I need because I have stuff still at Ichigo's house. He sees me and I smile. He reciprocates it but it's weak. He knows his fake happiness doesn't work with me but he tries anyway.

Will we talk about Renji and I? Probably not. Ichigo and I don't really talk about much. We fight about stupid things, 'beating around the bush' as humans say, until it escalates till violence and all our anger finally escapes. But we don't talk.

Yet I feel this is something that won't be fixed easily and it is something that will alter our friendship if it is left unattended. Then again, I could just be making a big deal about it over nothing. I tend to do that sometimes.

Inoue steps up to me before I make it to his side, "Kuchiki-san."

"Inoue." I greet forcing a smile.

She bows her head, perhaps finally feeling bad about what she said to me the other day. "I want to say, umm. Congratulations. And I would like to be there for your wedding. If that's okay."

I nod, "I would like that." Patching up our friendship would make me happy. Inoue is a wonderful person. It's not her fault we both love the same man. She beams at me and turns to Ichigo who is standing by waiting for his turn to say goodbye. She blushes for some reason before taking her leave.

With his hands in his pockets he ventures up to me, refusing to meet my eyes. "You're not getting rid of me yet." I hurry out to stop any sickening sad moments. His gaze fastens to mine. "Ukitake-san wants me to go to the human world for a short mission. So I'll be leaving with you."

Instantly a sarcastic remark leaves his lips, "Going to mooch off my family some more?"

"Your family loves me. More than they love you."

He makes an exasperated sound through his nose and goes on some rant that I don't pay attention too.

I get to be with him for a little while longer. I swear after that, I'll leave him then. Forever.

* * *

><p>End of Part 1. Part 2 Will be up in a couple of days. Thanks for your reviews guys.<p> 


	4. My Life Inside Your Heart

Thanks guys for the reviews and Liz for the misspelling of the title ;).

This is kind of short, sorry but the next chapter is pretty long so I think i made up for it.

Part 2

**Chapter 1- My Life Inside Your Heart**

I know you hurt

But I can help you if you can

Take my hand

And we'll live inside the dreams we left behind – Rise Against

* * *

><p>Blaring my music is the only thing that keeps me sane. Kon scampers along the floor putting away my clothes that have been on the floor the past couple of days, talking to Rukia in his irritating nasally voice of his while she pretends to listen. I act like I'm concentrating on my math work sitting on my bed, with my back against the wall. It's a position I've taken time and time again over the course of several months in front of the closet, using my thighs as my desk while facing Rukia. She uses her own legs to work on some stupid drawing, leaning over it, her hair tucked up tight around her ear as she scribbles away. Every now and then she gives a "Oh?" And a "Uh huh." to Kon but I can't hear it, I only know this by the so many days of routine.<p>

Over come by a sudden need to be annoying I remove an earpiece, "What dumb thing are you drawing now?"

A glaring eye peaks up at me, "I'm not showing you." She bites back.

"Well, why not?" I fight though I should be thankful. The hideousness of her drawings are sometimes frightful.

"Because," She thinks of a good way to hurt me and then smiles triumphantly, "it's for Kon."

Kon screams in delight but my temper rages at the thought and I throw my math book on the bed and jump to my feet. "For that stuff-animal, are you kidding me! He's not worth the cotton that fills him!"

Kon trying to hug her as she leaps from the closet only manages to get stepped on, "Least he can clean up after himself! You can't even do your own laundry!"

"It's a girl's job"

She balls a fist and goes to hit me. I'm surprised she stopped because I prepared to block her hit. Guess that's why I didn't sense her heal pounding my toes. "It's a girl's job to beat the crab out of a stupid boy!" She pushes me in my curled position as I tend to my injured foot and I fall onto my bed but I grab a hold of myself as I race after her. She goes out the door and down the hallway.

"I've got other things to do than put stupid clothes away!" Yuzu opens the door to her bedroom but I ignore the call of my name.

We stumble down the steps and pass through the kitchen where Karin sits watching TV and eating a late night snack.

"Always excuses! You're so full of excuses!" She hollers back whipping on her coat and slipping her boots on.

Then the door slams and I don't follow after her.

"Nii-san?" Karin questions. "What's the matter with Rukia?"

What do I say?

Rukia is going to marry someone else but we can't talk about it so what we do is argue about stupid little things in placement of that to help deal with it because she knows I'm in love with her and she's not in love with me?

"I didn't put away the laundry."

"You should you know."

I shrug. "Don't tell me what to do. Go to bed. It's past your bedtime."

I hear Karin leave, grumbling. I turn back to the door. I should go after her. Why did Rukia leave? We always argue. Why can't we argue? It's better if we argue. How can she run away from me? Can't she even face me? Is she mad at me?

I don't mean to love her. It's not like I want to. I've tried to stop. I've done all I can to stop. But no matter what I've done nothing has made it go away. Even knowing she'll marry Renji, I can't make it stop.

My back hits the wall. I owe Rukia everything and all she wants from me is friendship. If I don't stop this, I'll destroy what she and I have. What a way to pay someone back. What kind of person am I?

The door opens and my heart frantically jumps as I stand straight with widened eyes.

Only to find my father there with a smile on his lips, "Ichigo, greeting me with such a loving gaze-"

"Shut it, old man." Stuffing my hands in my pockets I start to head back to my room.

"Won't you even share a meal with me?"

"Hell no."

"Will you explain what had Rukia so upset?" My body tightens at the bottom of the stairs.

Putting my foot on a stair I reply, " I didn't put away the laundry." I try and fasten to leave but just as I'm hurry to get out of there my father hurries to get out his words.

"You're mother was human."

I lean back against the bannister. So what, I want to reply. I'm not human. Not completely. Not yet. I still have my reiatsu. It's not gone from me, not all of it. My hands clench in my pockets.

"And I was a Shinigami. We made it work. And so can you."

I scoff and turn away, bounding up the steps. Stupid old man. He didn't get it. Yea, it could work, that's probably true. If you're a nobody Shinigami and a nobody human and Central 46 didn't have you locked on target. And it could probably work if you both loved each other enough to make it work. But too bad everyone in Soul Society knew exactly who I was and too bad Rukia didn't love me.

Going back into my room, Kon made damn well to make me realize why having Rukia around was so much nicer then not. He bothered me instead. My hand was down his throat all too soon and even his growling and cursing didn't stop me. I felt bad about it but at least it was quiet when it was over and his body lay still with the bead beside it. I dropped upon my bed and flung an arm over my face wondering how long she'll stay away.

The phone rang then and my hand dropped on nearly breaking it in the process just to make it shut up. On the screen Inoue's name and a dancing bear came it.

My hand dropped to my chest as I stared up at the wall for minute then quickly I flipped it open and put it to my ear. "Ah." I answer.

"Kurosaki-kun. I wanted to remind you about the test we have in Hoshi's class tomorrow. It's on Chapter's Twenty-five through thirty three."

I smile in spite of myself, "Arigato, Inoue."

It's silent for a moment. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm actually about to go to sleep."

"Oh! Gomen!"

"It's okay. I'm just tired. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Okay. Good night, Kurosaki-kun."

"Good night. Inoue."

The phone falls from my fingertips and on to the floor. Guilt swallows me whole and I turn from the closet and face the wall.

When I'm so in love with Rukia, why did I allow Inoue to kiss me?

I don't know. I don't freaking know.

I think about the kiss and the only thing I can think of is sex. Stupid teenage hormonal sexual drive and there stupid ridiculousness. She's beautiful. She kisses amazingly. And when her breasts were pushed up against me I wanted nothing more then more of her.

Even thinking of it now, I want her. But for nothing other than what it would be.

Then guilt fills my belly and a wave of sickness makes me want to gag. Inoue confessed her love. She's in love with me. I took advantage of it because I was feeling sorry for myself. Rukia doesn't love me but at least someone out there does. She's in as much pain as I am in. She understands what I'm going through. I could learn to love Inoue. With time. It wouldn't be fair but what in this world is fair?

I sound like a monster, don't I? I feel like one. I wonder if that hollow inside me is fucking me up worse than what I already am? Or maybe I'm just a typical teenage boy who just needs to get laid.

* * *

><p>It's tiring, just watching him. When she's around he's upbeat and normal, when she's gone, he's downcast and depressed. He switches back and forth like it's easy and I know better. It's taxing. I can see it. Why doesn't she just leave? She going to leave anyway so why doesn't she do it now? What is she waiting for?<p>

She's on a mission I know. I shouldn't be insulting her. Rukia isn't doing it on purpose. But how long does she think Ichigo can go on like this?

When she leaves, I can help him. He'll let me in. Last time I was too afraid to try but this time, after the kiss we shared, I'm not afraid anymore. Even if he tries to push me away, I'm going to fight. I'm going to pick up the pieces and I'm going to stay with him day and night until his broken heart is glued back together.

I know he's in love with her. He may not understand why he kissed me but I do. There's a part of him that likes me. We're best friends and we can develop that friendship into something more if given the chance. So all I need is for Rukia to finally disappear.

I sound mean, don't I?

My feelings this past weak have been ripped into shreds. I thought once we left Soul Society, Ichigo and I could start something together. My dreams took me farther than I should have let them. Rukia had not been in those said dreams.

In school it's wonderful. He catches my eyes all the time. He'll stand next to me when our friends are around, defend me at any given chance, more than once our hands or our shoulders will brush against another. Those are the moments I hold onto and try and keep in mind because when Rukia comes into the picture, I simply stop existing.

At times I think it's just my depression and self-doubt getting the best of me. Then Tatsuki comes stomping over to my desk kicking at the air and cursing so badly it makes me blush. "Who does that bastard think he is!" She screams while trying to whisper.

I hang my head. It's not something I really need to hear but it's something she constantly wants to talk about. I go to speak but she cuts me off as per usual.

She cracks her knuckles. "I think it's time he needs to remember my little warning."

I panic and grab her wrist, "Tatsuki-chan, no." Surprised she looks down at me with wide eyes. I smile for her, "It's okay."

Tatsuki pities me and sits beside me, holding my hand, "Orihime, you don't deserve to be treated like this. You guys were just in the middle of a conversation and he saw her and he just took off. It's either her or you, it's not both."

"Then it's her." She looks shocked at that but I could only smile. "I've waited a long time. I can wait a while more. But it's still her. It might always be her. I've taken that into consideration and I've decided to accept that. I love him, Tatsuki-chan."

She doesn't seem to like that and whatever she has to say after which I don't pay attention to. I've already made up my mind. Rukia is his first love and perhaps his soul mate. I will always be second choice. I've decided it's good enough for me. As long as I can be with him.

After the kiss, the way he stutter and stumbled trying to get away, apologizing like a typical virgin teenager I couldn't help giggling at him. I was his first kiss. Do you know how amazing that is? I got to be his first kiss. Rukia can be his first love, fine, but what does that mean, how does that compare to a first kiss. I will always be what he compares all other kisses too. And if he ever kisses Rukia, guess what? For at least a fraction of a moment, he _will_ think of me.

I have gotten farther than I ever thought I would because I have haven't given up yet. And I won't. Even with her around, I will not give up on Ichigo. I will chase after him until the ends of earth if I must. I have told him I loved him. I have gotten a kiss from him. Now the next step, is a date.

I bite my lip in thought. I will have to be pushy. I don't like it. It's not who I am. But I'm young, time changes us all.


	5. Hourglass

Author's Note" Okay, The Takes place during episode **342** so **Spoilers alert!** Thanks for the reviews. hope you enjoy.

**Chapter 5-Hourglass**

If I live for a hundred years  
>I'll still want you here<br>I'll still need you, dear.  
>Let me whisper in your ear<br>Let me love you now before we disappear.  
>And if these things pass I would break the hourglass<br>Just to make the moment last for you.  
>oh and if i had one wish, i would take us both from this<br>to a place where only you and i exist.-Athenaeum

* * *

><p>I'm staring to wonder about Rukia's mission. She's never far from me. If anything's she's around more than she usually is. The worst part is she won't even let me take on a hollow by myself. I'm not a freaking kid. I may be losing my reiatsu but that doesn't mean I have cancer. I'm not dying and I'm sick of everyone looking at me like I am.<p>

I gave up my powers to save them. Has everyone forgotten that? They'd be dead by now if it wasn't for me.

No. Stop it. I lay myself across the bench in the school locker room, the only place I can actually hide. Chad, Ishida and Inoue and their ever constant looks of pity follow me everywhere. Even Keigo and Tatsuki know what's going on and they wonder daily if today is the day that I'm normal. I just want to tell them, 'I'll text you'. That way they won't have to worry about it.

Rukia is the only one that doesn't pity but she hovers. I don't mind that. I just wish she wouldn't lie about it. She doesn't lie well either. Friends shouldn't lie to each other anyway. No matter what happens to me, we'll still be friends. Even when I'm, human.

Oh, man I hate this. I don't want this. I don't regret it, but it sucks more than anything.

Laying like this only bothers my injured arm. I sit up to ease the pain. Last night Rukia and I dealt with a hollow. By we, I mean her. I didn't do anything to it. She ended up chastising me for it, acting as if I had more in me. And yea I do, if I had used my Bankai on it. It seems that's the only way to get my energy up.

Then she goes and asks that stupid little question.

"It's nice isn't? Being able to live a peaceful and ordinary life?"

Is that what she thinks I want? Is that how she thinks life will be for me from now on? I don't want life to be peaceful. I don't want life to be ordinary. I want to be out there risking my life everyday with her!

I grab my backpack. I'm only making myself angrier sitting here alone. I need fresh air.

Surprise, surprise, when I leave the school, Rukia's waiting. My anger though flees before I have time to come up with some rude comment by the sadness in her face. I know better than to ask. It's something about me. Maybe they've told her; That my reiatsu is leaving me faster than even I thought it would. I can feel it draining away like water in a sink swirling down a drain. Sometimes its slow, nearly at a standstill. Other times it creates a downward tornado.

I want her to leave. I don't want her to see what this does to me. I don't want her to ever see me weak. Whatever her mission is, maybe to log or analyze my loss of reiatsu. I don't care. I want her to go. I try and push her to leave but she only fights back.

"Your family said I could stay as long as I want." She pushes me away.

I remember what my father said a few nights ago about us making it work. I never told Rukia that my father is a Shinigami. I humor the idea that if she knew she would break off her engagement with Renji and runaway with me. I may be a teenage boy, but I'm not completely stupid.

She turns her face away from me. "I'll go when my mission is done."

She'll leave when my ratisu is gone. She'll stay till the bitter end. I don't fight it. Simply because part of me wants her there. She's the last thing I want to see.

I get home rather late because I had to go to the store to the get the eggs for Yuzu's curry but thankfully she doesn't get angry like every other woman in my life. She reminds me of our mother more then either of them. The food is by far the best, and I get to forget about everything for a little while until the doorbell rings.

Karin runs to answers while Yuzu and Rukia clean the dishes. I'm fixing a table that my father broke when I last threw him into it. "Ichigo-nii-san!" Karin calls. "Inoue-chan is here!"

My head slams against the wood as I look up. With humiliation staining my cheeks I pull myself from under it and find Inoue and Tatsuki waving from the living room.

"Inoue?" I trip over a chair, that to my defensive had never been there before and grab a hold of the couch to catch my fall. "What are you guys doing here?"

Inoue stumbles on a reply so Tatsuki quickly answers, "You forgot your textbook." she shoves Inoue who holds out my math book.

"Oh." I awkwardly take it at the precise moment Rukia comes from the kitchen

"Inoue." She greets happily.

"Kuchiki-san.

I know I shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever. The woman I'm in love with, who isn't in love with me, with the woman who is in love with me who I only made out with who I haven't really pledged any alliance too in the same room together; doesn't qualify as cheating. However, awkwardness is still apparent.

And then all three of us standing around staring at each other only increases that said awkwardness.

Karin, who is watching the whole thing with raised eyebrows breaks in on the silence, "Is something going on?" Inoue and I sputter over ourselves in explanation, denying anything remotely close to communication.

Yuzu thankfully cuts in to ask, "Orihimi-san, would you like something to eat?"

"Oh, arigato, Yuzu-san, no."

"Well," Yuzu begins, "Nii-san and Rukia-san were about to play a game with us, did you want to join us?"

Before we can begin to pose our own objections, Inoue bounces for joy, instantly distracting me in my own distress. But it is only momentary. I'm not nearly as bad as Kon is, I'd like to point out in my defense but I am still a man. If Rukia at any moment 'bounced for joy' I'd stop whatever the hell I was doing even if it meant my life.

The game lasted for a few hours and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I get to spend time with Rukia. She laughs and with everything that's been happening as of late, her laughing is becoming a rarity.

And I find that her eyes have been meeting my own less and less. She doesn't speak to me at night either. She shuts the door to her closet so quickly. What's the point of being here, Rukia, if you're not going to really be here? I want to talk to her, I want to ask questions I haven't the right to. Why is she marrying Renji? Why doesn't she love me? Does she hate me for how I feel?

In spite, in anger, in aggravation, I instead turn my gaze to Inoue. Perhaps not a good idea considering, but at least she wants my attention. At least she isn't going to marry someone and leave me now that I'm becoming a human and useless. Like I haven't noticed that at the very same moment I lose my reiatsu she decides to get married. What a coincidence. Whatever. Have a great life. I don't care.

* * *

><p>I should have just gone up to bed. I should have just ignored all the glances he kept giving her and ignored the blushes she kept having and gone to my closet and shut the world off. But I didn't. And now here I am, hanging over the roof with Kon muffled under me, sneaking a peak at Inoue and Ichigo. Tatsuki probably saw me but she pretended not to I guess hanging out in the street with her back against the wall.<p>

Why did they need to be alone? He only walked her out to be a gentlemen.

Sure. That's why I'm making a fool of myself.

Ichigo leans back against the wall with hands in his pockets and Inoue fiddles with her fingers as she toes the ground in nervousness. The silence is awkward and it only reminds me of the tension from before when the three of us stood around staring at each other. Something had happened between them and Ichigo hadn't told me about it. We don't really talk about stuff but somehow we don't have secrets. Everything gets revealed one way or another. Yet he had managed to keep this from me and the betrayal sets thick in my stomach.

"I'm sorry I came over unannounced. I should have called first."

"No. It's okay."

Silence again. Aggravation bothers me because not only is the position I'm in uncomfortable but I know Kon is enjoying being tucked underneath my arm no matter how hard I squeeze the air from his lungs in retaliation. I only brought him to keep him quiet. I should have just taken the tablet from his mouth.

Why don't they just make out already!

"Um, How long is Rukia going to be here for?"

He shrugs. I bet she wants to get rid of me. "Not long." My eyes falls. He knows my mission. The worst is he knows his reiatsu is falling fast. Oh, Ichigo. I'm so sorry.

"We should do something special for her." I flip my gaze back up. I chastise myself. I shouldn't think such bad stuff about her all the time. Perhaps shes not out to get me.

"I'll think of something."

It takes a few minutes for her to speak again. "Are you doing anything this weekend?"

"I don't know. But I'll call you if not." My brows widen at that response.

It's with that I pull myself away and I force myself inside the bedroom. Kon goes off to daydream and I curl up into my closet shutting the door, blocking out the noise.

I don't know what I was thinking. It's not like Ichigo ever liked me to begin with. I just thought our friendship went a bit deeper than most. I thought perhaps, I was enough for him. I thought, he'd at least wait until I was gone to move on. I thought he'd at least fight for me.

He's not going to fight for me.

I squeeze my pillow at a sudden wave of pain and tears produce in my eyes. That one sentence goes on repeat. He's not going to fight for me. Wave after wave crashes into me, shaking my body and I squeeze my lips tight until they hurt to keep whatever sobs that want to escape can't.

I shake my head. I won't give into this. I won't allow the tears to come. I have suffered so much, I won't let this break me.

I flip open my eyes and find only darkness. I am stronger than this. He is just a human boy. It was never a possibility. I knew it the moment I met him. He is nothing. I can do without him. I can live without him.

The door closes to the bedroom, shaking my closest door. My body tightens and so does my soul. I'm not going to break. I'm going to marry Renji and I am going to move on. Of course he's already going after Inoue. I expected as much. Teenage boys flip from one woman to the next as easy as they flip a TV channel.

"Rukia." Ichigo's voice whispers. The sadness is easy to spot but I've hardened myself against weakness now despite this moment of self pity.

"What?" I reply briskly. I voice sounds hollow, echoing in the closed space of the closet.

"I need to ask you something." I don't make a sound as I wait. "This marriage." My body tenses and I stare at the black wall. "Tell me. It's your idea, isn't it? It's not the old man's, or some stupid Soul Society thing, or Byakuya's. No one is forcing you."

My hand covers my mouth. This roller coaster is too much and I would rather die than continue on until then end. One minute I think he doesn't love me and I hate him for it and then the next I proven wrong and I hate him for it. I don't know which would be easier. Him not loving me at all, or breaking his heart.

This is his fight. This is all the fight I will get from him. If it is my choice, he will let me go because that is the type of person he is. But if it is against my will then he will do whatever he can to protect me.

As terrible as the truth is. I tell him, "It's my choice." I force out. If he listened well enough, he would have noticed the tremble in my voice, the sorrow, and the regret but I'm sure only the words he heard and not the sound of them.

"Ah." He whispers after a short while. "I'm going for a walk."

The door shuts.

A sudden panic sits me up and I snap open my door and get to my feet. I stop myself with what little self-control I have left. Kon lays curled near my toes sound asleep dreaming. The lights are all off. Ichigo's bed is untouched.

I want to run after him. With all my might I want to go after him and apologize and tell him how much I love him and I want to be with him and that I don't care about the stupid problems that would come our way. I want to kiss his lips and feel his arms wrap around me and hold him against me and to know what it feels like to finally make love with someone that cares for you as much as you do for them.

But I stay glued to my makeshift bed because I'm weak and stupid. And I know that this is **not** where I belong. I am **not** a human. I am a shinigami and I belong in Soul Society. No amount of feelings can change that.

A smile comes to my lips though. A realization has dawned on me. With that question, with that simple act of hope, he made one thing clear to me that I have denied. Ichigo does actually love me. I don't know if he loves me as much as I love him but I'm going to trust he does because then things would actually make sense. He's hurting as I'm hurting. I thought his depression was all on the basis of losing his reiatsu but it is more than it. And though perhaps I shouldn't be happy about it, I am.

All the arguments I thought were because he didn't want me to marry Renji. He made that clear one too many times. Renji and his hair, Renji and his tattoos, Renji and his sunglasses. One thing after another. Their bitter rival attitudes were simply annoying.

But it's more. It's because he loves me. I lay back down and shut the door only to stare at the ceiling. My smile never goes away. Dreams are only of him and all the things that could be. To know that he loves me and that my dreams don't _have_ to be dreams only make them that much sweeter and yet make them that much sadder.

Half the time I'm smiling and half the time I'm crying like a pathetic child. I go through the pros and cons of marrying a human. I try and make it all work out in my head but every time we end up in prison. The memories of jail are still very fresh and to know my savior will be locked up with me doesn't bring me comfort. I want Ichigo to live a full and happy life. It's all I've ever wanted for him.

Anger comes on swiftly sometimes too. Ichigo will physically battle anyone that dares come between him and his friend but now when it comes to love he simply is willing to walk away. He didn't fight enough. Why isn't he fighting! If he loves me, then he should fight for me! I understand Ichigo more so than anyone. I know how he thinks. I have two theories on why he won't fight. My first is that, he believes I don't love him. I don't think that's possible. With everything that has gone on, he should have seen the signs a long time ago. My second theory. He knows human and shinigami relationships can't work and he doesn't want to hurt me by trying. I respect that. But shouldn't I get a say in this? Shouldn't we take that step when we get there?

I fling the covers off. What am I thinking? He's a teenage boy! Like he's thought much further then the sex part!

I wake early and take a walk only to find myself down by the water. It's a beautiful fall day and the breeze is the only comfort I have. I hold my arms to myself knowing that I've already made up my mind.

It's better if I just walk away. Ichigo and I were never meant to be. He has his world and I have mine. I should have never been in his from the beginning. It wasn't fate. It was misguided hands. Renji is a good man. I loved him once and I'm sure I can do so again. I will rid myself of Ichigo and his world and I will never come back and soon I will find myself back into the person I was before.

I will just walk away.

"There you are." Ichigo's voice filters through. "Why are you staring blankly into space?"

I wipe a stray tear from my face and continue my gaze on the water. "It's nothing"

"Really? You've been acting strange lately."

I'm stiff in response. Is he finally wanting to talk about stuff straightforward? "No I haven't."

"Then why won't you look me in the face? You've been like that for awhile now." The wind blows in my silent response. I don't know what to say. How do you tell someone that they're whole life is going to be blown to bits? How do you tell someone you're going to drop them like a bad habit? How do you do that, without sounding like your falling apart? "There's something you want to tell me, isn't there?"

He has two days left. Then I'm leaving forever. With a sudden bit of confidence I take a deep breath. "Yes."

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me."

Outraged and annoyed we bicker back and forth but I get an apology out of him. He says he already knows what I'm going to say which I figured he would because he's right, we have known each other for a long time. But then he says something that confuses me.

"I'll hear what you have to say before you leave."

If he knows my missions is to look over him while he loses his reiatsu and knows that what I have to say is about him losing his reiatsu than what would I have to say before I leave?

He should know by now that I love him, is he hoping I'll say it then? What would be the point in that? Exposing the truth and then leaving him behind? Will hearing those words from me ease the pain from our distance? Our final goodbye mixed with a final vow of love? It sounds too cheesy for me. Yet sadly, perhaps that's exactly what we'll need to get through it.

As we walk, he goes on talking about this and that and I pretend to listen but really I am only humoring him. I want to see him smile because I'm tired of seeing the morose look in his gaze.

A constant question breaks my composure one too many times as we go down the lane and I hold myself to keep the pain from my face. All I want to do is ask him.

If you're in love with me, Ichigo, like I prey you are, then why won't you fight for me?


	6. Nothing

Chapter 6- Nothing

She said nothing  
>Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing<br>Oh, I got nothing  
>Oh, I got nothing<br>Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

* * *

><p>My walk got me thinking. Inoue loves me. She sacrificed herself to save me. Wouldn't Rukia do the same, if she loved me?<p>

It's a long shot. But thinking on everything about Rukia and Soul Society and her imprisonment, she didn't want me to come save her because she didn't want me to get hurt. I know she feels something for me. Maybe something stupid like i'm her younger brother and she feels responsible for me. But I refuse to believe that. I'm a good looking guy. There's no way she doesn't feel any sexual attraction for me. And where there is sexual attraction there is always room to expand.

Any way, getting off the point, stupid teenage hormones and the stupid stupidness.

Rukia never once acted around Renji the way she's acted around me. I can see the difference. I can see it in her eyes. I can sense it in her stance, in her tone. In everything. I know Rukia like the back of my hand. She doesn't love him. She's doing this out of some form of obligation or something. I know she is. Damn it, if she would only tell me the freaking truth.

I've decided though. I'm going to show her that I like her. Love is too strong to use at the moment. Take tiny steps. Gotta take her out on a date first, right? But she would never really agree to a date, so it's got to be like a group thing.

I remember the ice rink and call up Inoue to get it all set up. She's excited as usual and I finally am able to find Rukia which took most of morning.

She's depressed which she's been that way the past couple of days. If she's in the same state I'm in then I can't blame her. It actually makes me happy. As sick as that is, if the reason she's depressed is because she's in love with me, then I'm freaking thrilled.

I know she wants to talk about my disappearing reiatsu, but I certainly don't want to talk about. I don't want to think about let alone have a discussion about it. So I cut her off before she gets a word out.

I manage to rouse her out of her stupor by annoying her but this time, like the many other times before it, she doesn't walk away from me.

I confuse her by telling her to let me in on her secret before she leaves, praying by some miracle she reveal that she's in love with me and that everything that's going crazy in my world will suddenly make sense again. It's a long shot but I'm taking a chance here out of desperation. Just like this date.

She follows beside me mindless. Stress furrows on her brow and clogs her throat, distracting her from me most of the time but at least she doesn't take note to where we are until finally we are already there.

Getting her in the rink is the hard part but so swiftly does she forget about all our problems and becomes relaxed enough to get out onto the ice. To see her stubbornness, refusing my help only makes me laugh. But then when she's just about to fall and she reaches for my hand, I know in this single moment that she loves me "I got ya." I assure. The way she looks at me and smiles. She knows it too. She knows I'll always be there.

The rest of the day goes by fast. Too fast in my opinion. I try not to let anything ruin it but in the back my mind, all I can think is, why is she marrying Renji?

The walk home, the question is on repeat. She can only reminiscence about the past and all I want to do is think about the future. She isn't even fighting to stay with me. She's giving up so easily. Perhaps she doesn't love me. I'm being stupid.

When the hollow pops up, I am so quickly willing to fight because that is my only outlet. How could I ask her to stay? How could I tell her I love her? I owe her too much. If she wanted to stay, she would. If she loved me, she would stay. It is that simple. These are the things that I keep overlooking in my stupid daydreaming.

This stupid date. I am a human. We live in two completely different worlds.

The worst thing happens then. I feel my reiatsu begin to drain from me. Rukia sits beside me and though I wish nothing more than to tell her that I want her to stay here with me, I can't do it. She has already given me everything. I have saved my friends, my family, my home, and my life, numerous times. And it was because she gave up her own powers for me to do so. Who would do that?

I could nothing but thank her and tell her that we are friends. Friends. How I have come to hate that word.

Morning comes and when I open my eyes I sigh in relief upon seeing Rukia's face. But she's anything but happy. She tells me swiftly that I've entered the Second Stage of losing my reiatsu.

She must be relieved, I think bitterly. Now she can get married.

With my friends all staring down at me I let nothing phase me. I get up to break the silence and I go outside hoping to escape their eyes but the void of a lifeless world is all that surfaces. It feels empty, like everyone's missing. I look around and there are people scattered about, but they all feel numb. Disconnected. Distant.

And when Rukia comes up beside me, my eyes widen because where once I felt her entire life force, I don't even feel a draft of air.

I am relieved at this moment, that I didn't tell her I loved her. It would have made it worse. How could you love someone that didn't exist? How could our relationship work when she didn't live in this world? My father was wrong. We don't belong together. I'm human. She's shinigami. And she doesn't love me. Or she'll tell me, at this instant, at this very moment before she fades away.

"This is goodbye, Ichigo."

When her legs begin to fade, my heart pounds in my chest. My hands fist in my pocket but I don't make a move. This is what I gave up to save the world. This is what I gave to save my friends. This is what I gave up to save my family.

Say it, Rukia.

Say it.

Say it.

Her head lifts.

"Ja Na, Rukia."

She disappears before my very eyes. Perhaps with her last intake of breath she had wanted to say it, but she hadn't. Because she doesn't love me. Not enough.

Chad, Ishida, and Inoue stare at me. I know they still see her but all I have before me is sky. I won't be able to feign happiness much longer. I've been cut off from an entire world, they couldn't possibly know what that feels like. I force a smile, "I'm gonna go eat." I wave and turn inside.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Inoue calls after but I silently will her not to follow me as I ignore her and shut the door behind me.

My back hits the door and I slide to the ground. Rukia better not be in here or I'll kill her.

Inoue pounds on the door calling my name trying the locked knob. Doesn't she get it? I want to be left alone. Is that wrong? Can't I be alone? I've just lost so much, so can't I just be alone for a couple of minutes for fuck's sake!

I hide my head in my hands and if I was a lesser man I would probably cry. I laugh at this because even then I feel wetness on my face.

* * *

><p>I pound on the door but it doesn't budge. After so many minutes, panting I turn away to find Rukia just standing there. I want to scream at her to do something. I want her to fix it, to fix him, to stop his pain, to un-break his heart, but from the look of her face she is as shatter as he and will be useless.<p>

I won't give up. This is my chance. Now more than ever. Chad and Ishida yell at me and tell me to leave him alone but they don't understand it. They don't know what he needs now. And after so many months of getting to know him, I have finally figured it out myself. I use to be like that. I use to be one of the ones to say he needs to time, leave him alone. But now I know and I must get to him.

I run around the back, shoving through the gate. The sliding glass door happens to be locked as well and pounding on that does me no good. The girls and their father had set out earlier for some shopping to have a big feast for brunch this afternoon, a way to keep Ichigo from moping in his room all day. If only they were here now, it would save me a ton of trouble.

I go back around to the front and pass the front door to the window where I bang on the sill. Biting my lip I snatch a rock from the ground and throw it through. I flip the lock and after removing all the shards of glass with another big rock, I climb through, only getting nipped on my hand.

Holding my bleeding fingers to my chest I get through the living room and find him sitting at the door with his head in his hands. "Ichigo." I've never said his name before out loud but just as the words 'I love you' came so naturally so did his name.

He doesn't look up at me so I collapse in front of him and put my hands upon his knees.

"Leave me alone, Inoue."

I shake my head. "No." Tough love, is what he needs. It's what he responds too. Rukia taught me that. It's what I'll give him in order to help him.

His face is hidden by his large hands but his voice reaches me through a coarse whisper, "Please. Just go."

I've never wanted to obey so badly in my life. I want to give him whatever he wants to make him happy. Tears build up in my eyes and I swallow harshly. "I won't leave you." I apologize with that response.

He snaps to his feet, surprising me with such movement I fall backward. I finally manage to see his face but his eyes are closed tight and he tries to angle his face away from me unsuccessfully. "Damn it just leave me alone, Inoue. I don't want you here." The harshness is cruel and I am unprepared for it. I shouldn't be though. After the gentleness, there is always a storm.

He steps around me and I scramble to my feet and chase after him. "Ichigo. You still have your friends. We're still here. You haven't lost anyone. Keigo and Tatsuki-chan. Your family. We're all still here because of you." He continues to ignore me going up the stairs and I'm on his heels. "We're not going anywhere. And we can go back to Soul Society any time we want and see Rukia and the others. They'll love to see you. This isn't the end."

He suddenly whirls on me in the hallway, "Go back?" He questions with narrowed brows. "I can never go back." He whispers to me. "You don't understand, Inoue. I don't expect you to."

He turns into his room and I don't know if I should follow. Perhaps I should go. He needs time. Time to figure this all out in his head. Time to get stronger. It's obvious I don't understand a lot things. Rukia would understand. Rukia would know what to do.

No, damn it.

I force myself through his doorway. I won't stand in her shadow forever. She may always be his first love, fine. But I won't put myself down for not being like her. I'm me. And I'll be strong if Ichigo needs someone strong. I'll be weak if he needs someone weak. I'll be happy if he needs someone happy and I'll be sad if he needs someone sad. While still being who I am. I wonder if that's possible.

Ichigo is slumped upon his bed but when I come through the door he lifts his head up with anger in his gaze. "Inoue. Enough. I don't know what you're trying to prove but please leave before I say something I'll regret."

"Why can't you go back?"

His eyes leave mine, to think of answer I consider until I realize that behind me is Rukia's closet. "I just can't." He finally replies.

"Yes you can. And you will. When Renji and Rukia get married." His head drops. "They're your friends, Ichigo."

His fingers pick at each other for a moment, his hair hiding his features from me before finally he bobs his head, "Fine." He looks up at me, still frustrated with my presence. "I'll go. But for now, can I please be alone?" He brushes pass me and goes to his door, holding it wide open for me.

He's never hurt me so openly before. It's probably because I've never stuck around to let him. I've never been here to see him at his worst. Rukia has always been the one. Now I know why. She's so much stronger than I am. I'm soft-hearted. I'm weak-willed. I break easily. I thought perhaps with how well I was handling with being second place I figured I was bit stronger than this. But with just a few words of carelessness on his part and already I feel tears burn my eyes. It's ridiculous really.

I wipe my cheek before I turn to face him. He's aggravation doesn't budge by my sadness. "I didn't think you could be so mean."

He closes his eyes as I head toward the door, "Inoue." He grasps my arm but I don't lift my head. "Please understand."

"I'm trying to help." I reply softly.

"I know. And thank you. But I'm really not in good place right now."

"That doesn't mean you have to treat me so badly."

The moment of reprieved is lost and Ichigo releases me somewhat harshly, whipping himself away, "You don't get it." He growls. "You haven't lost anything."

I face him, "I lost _you_, Ichigo." Tears are streaming down my face. "You died! I didn't think you ever coming back! This isn't like that. You still have Rukia and everyone else. They are still here. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not here!"

He flips away from me and looks out the window silent.

My memories bring me back to the time I came through the wall and leaned over him while he slept. Just a few inches more and our lips would have touched.

I take a step forward and bring up a subject that I probably shouldn't. "Why'd you kiss me?"

He turns his head to me, "What?"

"Why'd you kiss me, Ichigo?"

Ichigo rounds his whole body and puts his hands in his pockets. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. Everything." I smile but it's forced. "Why?"

He drops his eyes, coughs, shifts his feet. "I don't know."

"Do you like me?"

"You're one of my best friends, Inoue."

"Do you love Rukia?"

He scoffs. "She's shinigami, marrying Renji. No." He lies to me so easily. Now I don't want him to answer any of my other questions.

"You remember, I told you, I love you. Does that mean anything to you?"

His eyes are on the floor. "Yea."

Relief pours through me and I wipe my face of any remaining tears. With confidence renewed, I close the space between us and touch his face with my palms, gaining his eye contact.

"That's why I'm here, Ichigo. That's why I'm not leaving. I know this hurts you. I know how much you care about Rukia and Soul Society and being shinigami. I know it's a part of who you are. You feel like that's been ripped from you. You want to pretend like you gave it up willingly but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. I want to stay with you. To help you, so you won't forget that not all of it was taken. So please. Let me help you."

His eyes close and he clenches his teeth. His hand grasps mine holding his cheek. "You helped me before." He whispers.

"I did?"

He nods against our hands. "When I was dying, or dead, or whatever I was. I heard you call for me. You cried out my name." His eyes open and his other hand lifts to wipe the tear from my cheek.

I had been ashamed of that. Even dead, I couldn't let him die. He transformed into a monster because I couldn't accept the fact that he couldn't save me. But here he is, saying it as if it was a good thing. Saying I 'helped' him. A burden lifted off my heart just as easy as that.

I wish I had that kind of power over him. I could heal this broken heart of his in an instant.

"Orihime." My attention snaps to him, only to realize how close his face has gotten. His cheeks are bright red, his eyes are lowered to my lips before rising again. "Can I kiss you again?"

The logical part screams out No! And wants to pull away and run far from him. He's only doing this because he's angry at the world, at Rukia, at everything. He's heartbroken and depressed and I'm here and in love. He's using me and I know it.

Yet even as tears roll down my cheeks and I lean against his chest and mold my lips against his, feeling his hands push against my back and mingle into my hair and I grip his shoulders as my knees weaken, I don't seem to care.

I may want words, words of love and devotion. I want to hear him tell me that one day he could love me. I want to hear him tell me he doesn't love Rukia. All I need is words. But perhaps he doesn't. He doesn't need words. He needs more than that. I may not understand his desperation right now, the way he clings to my hair nearly painfully or how his nails are digging into my skin with such intensity but how can I deny him what he so obviously needs?

If kissing him helps him, how can it be wrong?


	7. The One That Got Away

Author's note: Sorry it took so long, couldn't decided how i wanted to end it. But I got it out. That's one promise you can always count on. This is the end folks. Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 7- In Another Life**

In another life

I would be your girl

We keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

* * *

><p>Part of me thinks I shouldn't have come. I'm dating the man she's in love with, who's in love with her. But I needed to come. For myself if nothing else. Ichigo wouldn't come. I could say we argued about it but we never raised our voices. I asked him, he said no, I asked why, he said drop it and walked away from me.<p>

Our relationship is estranged at best. We kiss, we go out, we kiss some more, we hold hands at school. I couldn't be happier really. It's the best thing I've ever experienced. But I know it's all a show for him. It's fake. He's waiting again. He stares out the window, his heart quickens at the first sign of trouble. He's waiting for Rukia to come back.

I came to this wedding for that door to finally close. So I don't have to worry about that moment anymore because truthfully, I've been waiting too. Every corner, every hollow, every shinigami, I wonder just how far away Rukia is and if she's coming back to steal Ichigo from me now that I actually have him.

Tears rush to my eyes as I remember my fight with Tatsuki. I was getting ready to come here and she was only yelling at me at how stupid I was being. Ichigo was using me, she kept repeating. "He's trying." I replied foolishly.

"Trying?" She barked. "You don't try at love, Orihime, you either love someone or you don't."

In fairy-tales that's true. Love is amazing thing that happens at first sight and always works out. But this is reality. Love is a difficult job that takes working at and dedication on both sides. It takes forgiveness and time and patience. I guess the snag I come to is, he actually has to love me for it to work. It doesn't matter how much I work at it when he's completely devoid of feeling.

But I can't believe he doesn't have any emotional attachment to me. He wouldn't play with me like this. He wouldn't use me, not completely without feeling. There has to be something other than sexual attraction. Right? He cares for me. I'm one of his best friends. He constantly reminds me of that.

I sigh out and jump when a hand rests upon my shoulder. Ishida gives me a soft lopsided smile before looking on to the set up. "A ton of people have showed up. And everyone's asking for Kurosaki."

I shrug. I've told more than half of them already how sick he is with the flu. I'm hoping by now I won't have to tell the other half. It is getting kind of annoying. "I know. They miss him. He'll be happy to hear it."

"He should have come."

"I know."

"Look." Ishida takes his glasses down to clean them. "I don't know what's been going on with you and him lately but I do know this. He wouldn't hurt you, Inoue."

I drop my eyes. I had been so sure of that myself. But not coming to this wedding told me one thing and one thing only. No matter how many kisses pass between us, he still only thinks of Rukia. He has hurt me too much already. I smile. "I know."

"You ever think though, that's why he chose now to be with you?" My brows knit and I fasten my gaze to him. "He _can't_ hurt you now. He doesn't really have a choice." He shrugs and walks away.

My eyes stare at the place he left me behind. Ishida doesn't understand. Ichigo had so many choices. He had so many opportunities and he decided on none of them. Ichigo let Rukia go. He chose me. Why do my friends want to steal this away from me? I'm not stupid. I'm not blind. I know that I am a second-place prize. I am okay with that. Why do they constantly have to be involved in this? It's none of their business.

Grow up, I want to scream. This is reality. This is adulthood. I'm not some brainless teenager that believes in true love. That doesn't exist. Not for all of us. I drop myself in a chair far from my so-called friends. I don't want to hear what Chad might have to say. Who knows he might have something just as hurtful on his tongue as well.

I sigh out. I have to release all this anger. I don't like it. It's not who I am. I am at a wedding. I'm suppose to be happy. I force a smile on my lips and feel tears prick at my eyes. I even laugh when one falls over onto my cheek. I quickly dab it away, hoping it doesn't ruin my make-up.

"What's your problem?" My shoulder gets bumped as a big man takes a rough seat next to me.

My eyes widen when I see it's Renji sitting beside me in his tuxedo, his tie is undone and hangs beside him. His new sunglasses are wrapped over his eyes and as he takes another swig of whatever drink he has in his hands, I know something isn't right. My heart starts pounding in my chest. "Renji what are you doing?"

"Apparently not getting married."

Tears fasten to my gaze, "Where's Rukia?"

"Great question. Try asking your boyfriend." He grins at me. "Looks like you and me are in the same boat." He holds out the bottle of alcohol. I fasten to my feet. "Don't bother." He yells at me. "We lost this battle a long time ago."

He can give up all he's likes but I've just started fighting for mine. I'm not nearly finished yet. Panting and crying I run through the portal, tripping and busting my knee, ripping my dress and breaking a heal. I throw my shoes to the side and hike up my attire, sprinting down the street until I get to Ichigo's house, slamming my fist on the door. "Ichigo!" I cry.

My heart is breaking and breathing hurts so terribly I curl as I stand upon his doorstep sucking in as much breath as I can. "Ichigo!" I bang against the wooden frame and shock straightens me when it finally opens and he stands before me with widened eyes.

His bright orange hair and brown eyes stare down at me in wild confusion. "Orihime." He speaks my name with no idea of what's going on, "What's wrong?" He grabs my arms and for the first time in so long I feel like he cares.

The man that I love is back in control. The strong and protective friend that would do anything to keep me from pain is holding me and consoling me. I have missed this man and to have him back only brings more tears to my eyes as he seats me down on the couch and kneels before me. His eyes show only concern gazing up at me.

For weeks he had been a stranger. A actor playing a role forced upon him. A man not knowing who he is. A human without a soul walking around emotionless and without purpose.

Now I have finally given him a reason. My tears have given him a purpose. He yearns to make me happy. Not by loving me but by fighting for me.

Oh, Ichigo, I don't want you to fight for me. I only wanted you to love me.

I guess that's why this relationship was doomed to fail. Despite how hard I tried, I will never be what you want and you will never be what I want. I love you, but we are so wrong for each other.

"Orihimi?"

I sniff and force a smile on my lips. "Go Ichigo." I push against his shoulder. He shakes his head in question. "She's here. She's waiting for you. Go find her." His brows are knit in confusion but it takes only a moment before awareness dilates his gaze and his eyes go straight to the window. I laugh at him. His desperation is impossible to hide but he doesn't leave me. He knows his place is here and after months of fighting it, he won't give up that easy. "You love her, Ichigo," His eyes fasten to me in surprise as if I hadn't known since the very beginning. I smile through my heart break, my lip trembling, my tears rapidly dripping down my cheeks. "And I promise, she loves you too."

I can see his stubborn walls crumbling. The fact that she has left her wedding and abandoned Seireitei is enough proof for him to give in. Now all that is keeping him here is his friendship with me. He's staring at me with remorseful eyes, regret and sorrow knit upon his brow and a frown on his tight lips. His beautiful bear-sized hands grasp mine and I try and hold to memory what it feels like to have them wrapped up in his fingers. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "No. Don't be. Hurry now."

He nods and takes his full height, the giant of a man that he is. My heart hurts watching him go. Even knowing that this would have never worked out and acknowledging that he and I were on two different pages, it's incredibly hard to see him walk out the door.

He stalls before he disappears at the entrance and looks back at me catching my eyes one last time, smiling for me. A full fledged smile that I haven't seen in so long. "You're really beautiful. I don't think I ever told you that."

The door shuts and he's gone. I curl up on the couch and cry my heart out.

* * *

><p>All I can do is run. Run fast, run hard, run Run RUN! I skid to halt in front of Urahara and he waves at me with a knowing smile. "You missed her by a half hour."<p>

I'm panting with my hands on my knees. "Which direction?"

He flits his hand in the air, "Oh that way." As indecisive as always, the little bastard. If I wasn't a fucking human I would smash his face in. I take off quick enough, heading the direction of the school. I don't know where she would be. Why wouldn't she just come to my house, damn it! She got a human gigai, so why wouldn't she just come to me!

She has to be fucking difficult, like she hasn't made this hard enough! I've waited long enough. I've suffered enough. I was willing to let her marry Renji and not say one fucking word and now she won't even show up on my own house! She's making me chase after her like a fucking dog!

Nothing is ever easy with her. Everything has to be ridiculous and experienced with a top notch emotion and energy. No relaxing and easy going rides, just roller coaster after roller coaster. Is that why I'm addicted? The thrill of it?

The school is empty and I'm nearly dead by the time I get there. I wish I had a bike or something because I can't keep going on like this. I'm a weak human now and everything is a work-out. It's amazing how much I had relied on my reiatsu without realizing it. From climbing stairs to picking up my little sisters, I used my reiatsu with everything. Without it, I was weaker than a ten year old. I had dedicated my time the past few weeks to working out and building up muscle but my cardio still lacked a substantial amount, hence the reason I'm panting like I've been a smoking my whole life.

I'm down by the river now and even there it is empty. I'm running out of ideas. Where would she go? Am I stupid to think she would even want to be with me? Inoue said she loved me but what if she doesn't? So she didn't marry Renji. I knew she didn't love Renji from the start, no big surprise there. She can't fool me. I know her like the back of my hand.

My eyes lift. The woods. She would go to the woods. She would know that Shinigamis would come looking for her and hiding would be her first thought. She wouldn't come to my house, that would be the first place they would look.

I run up the hill, taking several breaks along the way. By the time I get to the top, the sun is setting over the horizon. I've spent the last two hours searching for her and I pray she knows I'm coming. What if she leaves before I arrive and I never find her again? That puts a new bounce in my step and I sprint down the beaten pathway in the center of the woods.

I never saw the person to my right and I'm knocked to the ground. Panic fastens my heart. How could the Shinigami find me already? They wouldn't know this spot and technically we haven't done anything wrong yet. They can't mark us for criminals when we haven't done anything wrong.

Fists pound against me and I bring my arms up to guard against them, hiding my face but the weakness of them only force me to open my eyes as I lay there on the ground with this weightless form upon me. My gaze widens at the sight.

It's Rukia. Tears stream down her face, her eyes are blood shot and her fists continue to strike me again and again.

My brows knit. Sadness creeps up inside me. I know what makes her mourn. She has just betrayed Seireitei and her Shinigami codes and laws. She will be branded as a traitor and be hunted down and killed on sight if they find out about this. If this is really what I think it is.

And though she can find only tears, I can only find happiness.

I clench her tiny fists in my palms and she struggles against them ruthlessly. I smile at her ridiculous battle and try and catch her eyes but she is refusing even that much. She doesn't see it as I see it. But soon, I will get her to.

I hold both her hands in one of mine, easily considering how little they are and with the other I quickly grip the back of her head so she can't escape and smash her lips to mine. The moment our lips touch, they pull apart to find a better connection. I release her hands and they quickly grip my shirt, holding onto dear life and my free hand now pushes against her back, holding her tight against me.

Words are lost to us. Somehow getting closer is our only struggle and we roll in the dirt to try and achieve that mission. Arguing and cursing each other out doesn't formulate. It doesn't matter. None of it seemed to ever have mattered. Everything we have ever been through, every battle, every event, every single second, just feels like it was meant to bring us to this moment in time where I am so incredibly happy.

For a heartbeat, we pull away from each other. Hurrying to catch our breath, my hand brushes the wisps of hair from her face. Her cheeks are red, her eyes are swollen from crying and her lips are swollen from kissing, and she's panting as hard as I am staring up at me.

Rukia is a Shinigami. I am human. I don't know what we are going to do about that. It is forbidden and we both are very much aware of that. But as I lean down and capture her lips again and I feel her hands roam beneath my shirt and touch my skin, I don't care about any of those laws. I don't care if we get caught. I don't care if the Shinigami come upon us right here in the middle of these woods.

The only thing I'm capable of worrying about right now, is if she'll let me take off her shirt.

* * *

><p>Please understand me,<p>

That now where you're standing,

Is closer than I'd hoped.

**Through the iris** Lyricsby 10 years


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